Raising Cain
Sexual Harassment Herman Goes on the Offensive

(Phoenix, AZ) — In a nationally televised news conference on November 8, Herman Cain insisted that he is innocent of all sexual harassment charges … past, present, and future.

He also said he is being framed by a "Democrat machine" which, for anyone who is keeping score, is a departure and another flip-flop in this rapidly changing story; Cain had initially blamed the "baseless" charges on fellow Republican candidate Governor Rick Perry (TX).

"Mr. Cain steadfastly insists that the accusations are baseless and false and anonymous and incorrect," said a Cain spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "I mean, really, look at the man. He's not the Elephant Man, but he's not someone anyone would want touching them. Let's be honest. He's quite gruesome."

Cain alluded to this fact, saying, "I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period. I mean, who would let me?"

Cain said that an end to his run for office "ain't going to happen" and that he won't be deterred. Fellow candidates immediately slammed Cain on his misuse of grammar, sure to be a pivotal topic in the 2012 run for the presidency.

Of the charges, Cain repeated that " … they simply did not happen … " though he reserved the right to change his mind within the hour.

Karen Kraushaar, 55, and Sharon Bialek, both worked at the National Restaurant Association while it was led by Mr. Cain, and both are accusing him of wrongdoing in the 1990s. Both have kept quiet for months as Mr. Cain mounted his campaing, recently climbing in the polls among Republican voters, only to now come forward with their lawyers at their sides.

There has yet been no word from Virginia "Ginni" Thomas, the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who recently requested an apology from Anita Hill – via voice-mail, no less – for Hill's testimony against Thomas during his 1991 "high-tech lynching" and confirmation hearings. But several sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have confirmed that Ms. Thomas has been asking about E-mail addresses and phone numbers for both Kraushaar and Bialek.

In response to Ms. Thomas' request for an apology, Hill replied that Thomas should go screw herself.

Mr. Cain has retained his own lawyer with only the highest scruples, having represented upstanding individuals such as Kobe Bryant. In addition, he has enlisted the help of South Park's Sexual Harassment Panda.