Sheen's Wisdom Shines in Multiple Interviews

(Los Angeles, CA) — Hollywood bad-boy Charlie Sheen recently rambled on during multiple interviews with major networks, gossip Blogs and a Nazi fanzine, claiming to be the victim of CBS's decision to cancel his television show, "Two and a Half Men," for the rest of the season.

CBS made the decision after an initial interview given by Sheen contained rants about the show's creator, Chuck Lorre. In that interview, and subsequent interviews, Sheen referred to Lorre as a "retarded zombie" and "Chaim Levine," the latter reference producing accusations of anti-Semitism.

A spokesman for Denise Richards, Sheen's ex-wife, speaking on condition of anonymity, has categorically denied rumors that Sheen used to call Richards "Eva" as a pet name during their four-year marriage.

Sheen is threatening to sue CBS for the approximately $12 million he's owed for the cancelled shows. CBS has countered with rumors of replacing Sheen on the show with other actors, preferably ones that don't abuse alcohol, drugs, or their spouses.

But a CBS spokesman confided to FLATLINE that another plan is being considered that's nothing short of a truly intriguing offer.

"Charlie will never go back to 'Two and a Half Men'," said the CBS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "He's clearly burned that bridge back to the 20^th century. And it's entirely likely that he'll be replaced by another actor. But that doesn't mean that we're going to leave him high and dry, although he's been doing a pretty good job of remaining high on his own!

"We're offering to team him up with a number of other celebrities that share his special views. It's win-win for his career and, we believe, win-win for our network."

The list of celebrities begins with fashion designer John Galliano, recently fired from his job with Christian Dior for anti-Semitic rants. Galliano was caught on amateur video saying, "I love Hitler. People like you would be dead today."

Former United Press International correspondent Helen Thomas will also reportedly join the new show. Thomas was forced into early retirement in June 2010 after she commented that Israel should be told "to get the hell out of Palestine."

"We tried to find some record of domestic violence related to Thomas," said the CBS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, "but we didn't have any luck. But we believe her anti-Semitic comments merit her inclusion."

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange will be added to the ensemble due to a report released on March 1 by a British newspaper. In the report, Assange suggests that British journalists are engaged in a Jewish-led conspiracy to smear his organization. WikiLeaks has released tens of thousands of pages of classified government documents, embarrassing governments around the globe. As an aside, Assange is fighting extradition to Sweden to face charges of sexual assault against two Swedish women, another potential tie-in to Sheen's behavior.

Rounding out the cast is Mel Gibson, who told a policeman in July 2006 that "... the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world ..." Gibson also has a history of threatening his girlfriend – another complement to Sheen.

"We believe that we have a winning formula for our new show, which will be called '4½ Unmensches'," said the CBS spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "This way, Sheen gets paid and the public knows right off the bat what kind of a show it will be. And best of all, Sheen doesn't know any Yiddish, so he doesn't know that an 'unmensch' is someone who behaves in such an undignified way that they can't be considered a decent human being!

"As far as the show goes, we could even arrange for some guest appearances by prominent anti-Semites in the Middle East who are recently deposed or otherwise out of power. There's just no limit for this concept."

Harper Collins is banking on the success of the new team, so much so that it has plans for publishing a group memoir, tentatively titled Our Struggle, sometime in late 2011 or early 2012.