Metro Introduces New 7000-Series Rail Car Prototype
"Kill 'Em with Style" is Latest Motto

(Washington, DC) — Metro (the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, or WMATA) is allowing members of the public to comment on a prototype for its newest rail car. At least, that's what Metro says publicly.

"Behind the scenes, it's a done deal," says a Metro spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"We want to give the appearance of inclusion, but in the end, it's the Metro board that will decide on a car's features, aesthetics, and so on. After all, the Metro board has done so well in the past, what's not to trust?"

The new 7000-series cars, manufactured by Kawasaki Rail Car, Inc., will replace some of the 1000-series cars, also manufactured by Kawasaki, that have been in use since Metro started operations in 1976. On June 22, 2009, two 1000-series trains collided, murdering eight civilians and one Metro employee. The 1000-series trains, rated "uncrashworthy" by the National Transportation Safety Board, currently make up 25% of Metro's fleet.

"If we're going to continue to murder our passengers, and force the survivors to endure additional fare increases, service cuts and train malfunctions, we can at least improve the ambiance. If we can't 'Kill 'Em with Style' on these new trains, we don't deserve our six-figure salaries," said a Metro board member, speaking on condition of anonymity.