Obama Rejected on Time for Congressional Address on Jobs
Republicans to President: Drop Dead

(Washington, DC) — President Obama's request to address a joint session of Congress on September 7, 2011, at 8:00pm, to lay out new jobs proposals aimed at boosting the economy was summarily rejected by House Speaker John "Oh … My … God" Boehner (R-OH).

According to Congressional historians, no president has ever been denied such a request.

"It is my intention to lay out a series of bipartisan proposals that the Congress can take immediately to continue to rebuild the American economy by strengthening small businesses, helping Americans get back to work, and putting more money in the paychecks of the middle class and working Americans, while still reducing our deficit and getting our fiscal house in order," said Obama in a letter dated August 31 to Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry "NIMBY" (Not In My BackYard) Reid (D-NV).

Many Republicans immediately criticized the timing of the proposed address; a debate between Republican presidential candidates is scheduled take place in California at September 7, 2011 at 8:00pm.

"I personally don't care about the timing of the Republican debate," said a Republican congressman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "I would refuse any request for that Kenyan to address both chambers of Congress, anytime, anywhere."

Boehner fired back with his own letter , citing a lack of time to carry out security sweeps before Obama's arrival, suggesting that the speech be given on September 8 instead.

Late Wednesday night, the White House relented and agreed to move the speech to September 8. Republicans immediately began to scramble to see what events they or their Tea Party cohorts could schedule for the same time.

House Majority Leader and Tea Partyist Eric Cantor (R-VA), even after the decision to move the speech had been made, continued to hold out offers to stick to the original date and time.

"We're happy to schedule the speech for September 7 and 8:00pm," said a Cantor spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But in return, the president must agree to at least $1 billion in spending cuts, preferably in FEMA, Social Security and Medicare. It must also include plans to eliminate the Department of Education and the Environmental Protection Agency. And it must include plans for extending the Bush tax cuts until the year 2386."

Regardless of what the Tea Partyists or Republicans devise, September 8 comes with its own problems. That Thursday night happens to be the kickoff of the 2011 NFL season, where some of the nation's greediest bastards, both owners and players, will be on display during prime-time.

And then, there are the Trekkies.

September 8 marks the 45th anniversary of the premiere of the original "Star Trek" series, and celebrations across the country may now have to be moved or cancelled.

"We've been doing this since 1966," said a local Star Trek fan club secretary, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Now fans across the country may have to reschedule or simply cancel their festivities. Personally, I'd like to beam all of the Democrats and Republicans into a wall."