Mikulski Mad at Metro
Cites "Disturbed" Constituents

(Washington, DC) — Senator Barbara A. Mikulski (D-MD) unleashed a tirade upon Metro on behalf of her "disturbed" constituents, degrading and dehumanizing them in the process.

"Many of my constituents are really disturbed," said Mikulski, according to a Mikulski spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But in spite of that, they're still self-aware enough to know when Metro is shafting them."

She then ran down a list of "everyday" passengers having to deal with real Metro problems.

"When you get on the Metro and you've got kids with the stroller, you wonder – if the cars open and you've got to jump down and evacuate quickly, what will happen to you? If you're a senior trapped in a car with 100° heat and your pacemaker starts to race, you wonder what's going to happen to you," Mikulski continued, according to her spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "If you're on a stalled train for over half an hour and you need to use the facilities, where are you supposed to go? If you evacuate a train and get gnawed to death by hungry tunnel rats, was it really worth the effort?"

But Mikulski saved the best for last, complaining about her own status and alleged experiences.

"If you're a senator who spent $5,000,000 to be re-elected to continue to serve in perpetuity, and you're inconvenienced in any way on the Metro, which of course is worse than average, ordinary, everyday Americans being inconvenienced, what does that say about our transportation system?"

Critics of Mikulski fired back, saying that the Democratically-controlled Senate had repeatedly shorted the necessary funding for the transit system.

"Plus, I will bet money that [Mikulski] hasn't ridden the Metro in years," said a Republican spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "I mean, I don't believe they allow hobbits on the Metro, do they?"