Ryan's Hopeless
Wisconsin Representative Selected as Republican VP Nominee

(Norfolk, VA) — On August 11, presumed Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney (R-MA) introduced Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) as the next President Vice-President of the United States. While some called it a "bold" move by Romney, many others considered it an act of suicide.

"He's nominated someone with no governing experience," said a Republican adviser critical of the choice, speaking on condition of anonymity. "He makes [former Vice-President Dan] Quayle look like a genius. He makes [former President George W.] Bush seem less of a drug-and-alcohol-addled moron. His experience is limited to the House of Representatives. He has no foreign policy experience. And his economic policies, while draconian and welcomed by some in the Republican establishment, just won't fly with average, ordinary, everyday Americans."

Ryan has advocated getting America's fiscal house in order by giving tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans while slashing billions of dollars from entitlement programs such as Medicare, which would place the burden of the tax cuts on the middle-class, seniors, and the poor.

Seemingly trying to win the National Rifle Association's (NRA) support with the use of a double-barrel shotgun, Republicans announced on August 14 that Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ) would deliver the keynote address at the Republican Convention later this month.

"First of all, we don't have enough food to feed the guy," said a convention planner, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Second, he's liable to tell those who aren't towing the Tea Partyist line to go screw themselves. That's not exactly what you want to hear on prime-time television."

"I disagree with the Christie choice," said a Republican strategist, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Picking Ryan was akin to suicide, but picking Christie was akin to screaming 'Alahu Akbar!' and detonating your vest laden with explosives. Other than giving Ryan and Christie a shot at the lineup for 2016, I just don't know where Republicans think they're going with this."