Perplexing Puzzle of Wet PDR Carpet Solved

(Rockville, MD) — The Nuclear Regulatory Commission's Public Document Room (NRC/PDR) has been plagued by mysterious wet spots in various sections of its 20-year-old carpeting. After extensive nagging and exhaustive studies, NRC officials and the experts they hired to investigate have come to a conclusion.

"Initial analysis indicated that the substance in the carpeting was not unlike human tears," said an NRC official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "That would have been the easiest explanation. But one problem was the amount of carpet saturation. I mean, we learned that PDR staff have been subjected to a project involving grueling forced labor on a daily basis. And by performing this demeaning manual labor, there are bound to be tears shed. But what we found would have meant a LOT of tears. It just didn't seem possible that someone could suffer so much, so we kept looking.

Further tests have revealed the contents of the substance, though not its cause, leading to additional questions that have yet to be answered.

"The wet spots are ectoplasm," said a member of NRC security, speaking on condition of anonymity. "In short, One White Flint North is haunted. So now we have to find out who these spirits are, and why they've chosen to haunt, of all places, this office at this agency. Could it be because the PDR has four phone lines? Maybe. But not likely."

NRC has brought in a medium that is nationally renowned for their dealings with ectoplasmic events. While these sightings are rare, NRC officials hope the medium will provide a job well-done, removing the offending spirits as least-disruptively as possible.

"Ghosts who are trapped between worlds, and have no recourse but to haunt the living, are desperate and soulless," said the medium, speaking on condition of anonymity. "They don't have morale, morals or scruples. They're bereft of interpersonal skills. They've clearly found a kindred spirit amongst the living ... someone with whom they can closely identify. Look around at the agency. Does 'The Best Place to Work' employ anyone fitting this description?"