Capital Punishment Restored
New Less Controversial Method Adopted by All 50 States

(Washington, DC) — Madonna will continue to send men to their death. But her latest method has nothing to do with the transmission of a virulent form of VD.

Inmates on death row will no longer have to choose solely between lethal injection and electrocution. They now have the option of watching Shanghai Surprise, the 1986 blockbuster movie starring Madonna and ex-husband Sean Penn, on a 55" LCD television. Inmates will not be able to control the movie's starting and stopping, and will only have a metal ice pick available in the room.

"The ice pick will allow the inmates to impale themselves or try to impale the television," said a said a Justice Department spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The latter would lead to electrocution, but either way, they're dead. Personally, I'd claw my eyes out before the opening credits stopped rolling."

The ACLU and representatives for the Geneva Convention are deciding whether or not to contest this form of execution, which may constitute cruel and unusual punishment. They are also trying to determine whether the stars' former marriage also constituted cruel and unusual punishment – to each other.