Umbrella Bags Promote NRC Safety
May Also Promote Agency Downsizing Efforts

(Rockville, MD) — Citing hallway floors wet from rain, snow, tears and other unmentionable liquids, NRC security has added umbrella bags to the lobbies of One White Flint North (OWFN) and Two White Flint North (TWFN). Yet, since no good deed goes unpunished, some NRC staff are protesting the move as mere window-dressing for ignoring larger problems at NRC headquarters.

"The water isn't potable," said an NRC employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. "It is gray when it comes out of the tap. The HVAC system is non-functional, so it's either 50° or 90° in most offices. Some staff have their offices located in a dungeon-like atmosphere. And we firmly believe that the liquid green soap in the restrooms is really recycled toxic waste. These are serious problems, and how does management respond? With umbrella bags. NRC is the best place to work ... yourself to death, that is!"

Some NRC employees fear an even more sinister reason for the umbrella bags. Given the current state of the economy, and the focus on cutting costs wherever possible, many fear that some morale-deprived staff may be pushed into helping NRC's headcount reduction efforts by using the umbrella bags to suffocate themselves.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," said an NRC official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But I'd like to point out that expirations by the loading dock are much more convenient for our housekeeping staff."