Bad Medicine
Health Care Bill Passes

(Washington, DC) — Not unlike passing a kidney stone, Congress narrowly passed sweeping health care and student loan reform, after weeks of arm-twisting and shady back-room deals, and in spite of a boycott by the minority party and a year's worth of lies and dire predictions spread by the Republicans and their fundamentalist allies.

The legislation passed late in the evening of March 21, 2010. "We haven't been in the Capitol this late since we approved our last pay raise," said a House staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity.

A reform of the student loan industry, which House Democrats attached to the health care bill, will eliminate the current program that supports private student loans with Federal subsidies, replacing it with direct Federal government lending to students. "When people think of trips to their local emergency room, the first thing they think about is student loan repayment," said a House member, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Aside from the rejection of the Federal government controlling such a large sector of the American economy, others were opposed to the special deals and provisions adopted to assure passage of the bill. The phrases "Cornhusker Kickback" and "Louisiana Purchase" dominated the opposition's calls for scrapping the legislation.

The tactics included, but were not limited to, the egging on of rabid right-wing fanatics who gathered to protest the bill's passage. House Minority Leader John "Oh ... My ... God" Boehner (R-OH) and his Republican colleagues stood on the steps of the Capitol and cheered the mob for their continued support.

Tea Party members attended in numbers not seen since their disruptions of town hall meetings over health care reform during the summer of 2009. Not content to simply spread lies and disrupt the proceedings in any manner possible, they added the hurling of racial slurs and homophobic insults towards elected officials to their repertoire, not to mention the occasional spitting.

"We want our voices to be heard," said a Tea Party spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We are committed to rejecting the Federal government takeover of our health care. We realize that this will mean cancelling Medicare, Medicaid and the system now in place in Massachusetts, but in the end we know that whatever the Democrats want, whatever the Democrats champion, must be defeated, and by any means necessary.

"We're all united, and we're one big happy clan. We're pleased that so many of our supporters camped out overnight to continue their protests. And they're very conscientious, cleaning up after themselves. Just look how nicely they've folded up their white sheets next to their spittoons."

The $940 billion landmark legislation, spoken about since the days of President Theodore Roosevelt, will require most Americans to buy health insurance and will cover about 32 million Americans who currently do not have health insurance. The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) projects deficit reduction for decades. Insurance companies will no longer be able to deny coverage due to pre-existing conditions. And each member of Congress will receive mandatory weekly enemas.

Securing the 216 votes needed for passage in the House of Representatives, Democrats could breathe a sigh of relief. "Ramming legislation down the country's throat never felt so good," said a House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Senate Democrats looked equally relieved, with Senate Majority Leader Harry "NIMBY" Reid (D-NV) taking a brief rest for the first time in days. "Mr. Reid is pleased that this legislation was as successful as the torpedoing of the Yucca Mountain project," said a Senate spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"We're glad that it's over, we believe it was worth the fight," said a White House spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Now President Obama can spend the rest of his presidency keeping the deals he made with Kansas. And Louisiana. And North Dakota. And Idaho. And New Hampshire. And Spain."