Chilean Miner Saga Ends with 33 Rescued after 69 Days
Mine Turned into Rehab Facility for the Rich and Infamous

(San José Mine, Chile) — A saga that gripped the world for more than two months ended happily on October 13, as the last of 33 miners who had been trapped under 2,000 feet of rock in a dark, humid cavern under the Atacama Desert in northern Chile, was pulled to the surface.

The 33 men, ranging in age from 19 to 63, are believed to have survived longer underground than anyone else in the history of mining accidents. The men were sealed into a hot, dark purgatory after surviving a mine collapse on August 5.

The United States and other nations assisted in the rescue effort, including a NASA team that helped design the escape capsule, named the Phoenix 2, and companies based in the United States but who outsourced their manufacturing base to China, provided parts of the rescue drill.

The Phoenix 2, sporting the Chilean flag and shaped like a missile, maneuvered deep into the earth down a 28-inch-wide emergency shaft to extricate the men.

Following the initial collapse of the gold and copper mine, food rationing allowed each miner one spoonful of tuna every 48 hours during their first 17 days trapped underground.

Later, as it was discovered that the men were still alive after the mine collapse, the miners were given a special diet to help prevent their becoming nauseated on the way up. "There was no provision in the Phoenix for vomiting," said a capsule engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Despite their ordeal, the miners appeared healthy, which was surprising to local physicians. The only thing that appeared abnormal, according to hospital officials speaking on condition of anonymity, was the color of their skin.

"They are very pale," said a hospital spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "In medicine, when you see paleness you associate with something not good, or Michael Jackson, but here it was just because they had no sun."

Immediately after the last miner and rescue worker arrived safely on the surface, Lindsay Lohan, one of Hollywood's biggest 20-something train wrecks, was put into the Phoenix 2 and lowered into the mine. She'll spend the next 60 days in the defunct San José Mine detoxifying and avoiding car accidents.

Arriving in the mine, Lohan's first order of business was to send out a message on Twitter. "The only 'mine' that I'm familiar with are the mines in Africa where slave labor gets me my diamonds, never thought that I'd be associated with a 'real' mine ... eeeks!" relayed her publicist, speaking on condition of anonymity.

An APB has been put out for Paris Hilton, who when found, will be lowered into the mine to join her newest "BFF" for two months of solitude.