OSAMA BIN LADEN DEAD

(Washington, DC) -- President Obama announced at 11:30pm ET on May 1^st that Osama bin Laden, the leader of Al Qaeda who declared war on the United States and approved the plan that, on September 11, 2001, destroyed New York's Twin Towers, heavily damaged the Pentagon and killed passengers and crew on an airplane in Shanksville, PA – killing nearly 3,000 in all – was killed in a compound in Pakistan by United States special operations forces.

The firefight with the special operations forces that led to his death also lead to the capture of bin Laden's body, dialysis machine and 75-mile-long extension cord with which it was operated; they are all now in United States custody.

Since the attacks on September 11, 2001, bin Laden was able to elude capture by hiding out in the mountains of Afghanistan and Pakistan, occasionally traveling to Flint, MI, since, as an associate speaking on condition of anonymity recently said, "no one would willingly travel to that hellhole!"

Almost as soon as President Obama made his announcement, the doubters and conspiracy theorists began coming out of the woodwork. A new group, known as "deathers" this evening, are demanding to see bin Laden's death certificate before giving any kind of credit to Obama.

A leading "deather" is none other than Donald Trump, possible presidential candidate and leader of the "birther" movement that has demanded to see Obama's birth certificate. "Today he is very proud of himself, because he's pushing to accomplish something that no one else has been able to accomplish," said a Trump spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity regarding the desire to see bin Laden's death certificate. "Mr. Trump wants to see the president release the death certificate and he wants to inspect it personally. He hopes bin Laden's death is true, but until that piece of paper is in Mr. Trump's hands, he'll withhold judgment."