Metro's Adoring Detractors Cite Door Delay Issues

(Washington, DC) — It should come as no surprise to any Washingtonian to find out that door problems were the leading cause of Metro weekday delays last year. The door issues beat out brake problems and riders committing suicide. And as Metro awards its board members with tens of thousands of dollars in bonuses, it also says it has a plan to shut the door on the door delay issues.

The door issues occur most often with Metro's 2000-series and 3000-series trains. Of course, door issues seem tame compared to the issues with Metro's "uncrashworthy" 1000-series trains, which were involved in the murder of eight civilians and one Metro employee on June 22, 2009.

One identified door problem is the lack of "bounce back" the doors have when they hit an object, similar to most elevator doors. "These doors aren't meant to open-close-open-close when something's in the way," said a Metro spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Many of our out-of-town visitors don't understand this. So we're preparing instructional videos to be shown at every Metro entrance to demonstrate what will happen if you stand in the doorways too long. Once visitors see those cantaloupes split in two, they'll think twice about lingering."

"What are we supposed to do?" asked a Metro operator, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We have only 25 to 35 seconds to leave the doors open. Any more time and we back up the entire system. So people need to stop texting and yammering on their phones and get on the train. What's so hard about that? If you can't stop using a phone for just a moment, you deserve to be separated from your friends and family. Or you deserve to have your leg crushed as you're dragged down a Metro platform, though that rarely happens anymore. Not since we were forced to take sensitivity training."