Metro Attempts to Redefine Itself

(Washington, DC) — On July 12, Metro changed its definition of "on-time" trains. When maintenance is being conducted, trains may run once every 15 minutes on-peak and every 30 minutes off-peak. Since Metro is always performing maintenance – on its tracks, on its trains, on its escalators, on its elevators, and on its platforms – trains may now arrive only two to four times per hour.

Metro also changed its definition what is "acceptable" regarding customers being maimed by its escalators. Metro has not had a system with fully functioning escalators in about 15 years, and during that time, people have fallen from and been maimed by the dilapidated stairways. Once calling any incident unacceptable, Metro will now allow one incident per month – or 12 per year – and refer to it as acceptable.

Another changed definition directly reflects on Metro's deadliest day – June 22, 2009 – when it murdered nine people in a train collision near the Fort Totten station. Metro will no longer say that they "murdered" or "killed" the eight civilians and one employee. Instead, Metro will refer to the victims as "collateral damage" with regard to running a transit system that ferries over 700,000 passengers daily.

"We feel it's time for Metro customers to get in line with what WE find is acceptable, not what THEY feel is acceptable," said a Metro spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Quite frankly, they don't have much of a choice."