Republican Party Finds a New Chair
Eastwood's Soliloquy Earns Him a Seat at the Table

(Tampa, FL) — Republican strategists decided that they needed a speech from a real game-changer, someone who could rile up the Republican National Convention attendees – beyond throwing peanuts at minorities – and yet explain what the Republicans actually stood for. The strategists decided on Clint Eastwood, and he did not disappoint.

Eastwood, the legendary Hollywood actor and director, spoke over his allotted time on August 30, rambling on for 12 minutes to an empty chair, in which apparently was seated an invisible President Obama. Using lies and sometimes crude language, he mumbled, stammered, accused and berated Invisible President Obama throughout the soliloquy, and no one really knows what to make of it.

Some Republicans hailed it as the greatest soliloquy since Hamlet first spoke to Yorick's skull some 400 years ago. Others insisted that the speech ranked up there with Ronald Reagan's "Berlin Wall" speech, Winston Churchill's "Iron Curtain" speech, and Susan Hawk's "Rats and Snakes" speech from the first season of Survivor.

"He's not insane," said a Republican spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We maintain a list of all members of our party who are certifiable, and he's not even close."

"He is insane," said a Democratic spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We maintain a list of all Republicans who are certifiable, and since that's pretty much all of them, of course he's a whack job!"

"Mr. Trump was very pleased," said a spokesman for business magnate and head cheerleader of the "birther" movement Donald Trump, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The empty chair and the invisible Obama clearly demonstrated the status of Obama's birth certificate. The birth certificate doesn't exist, so Obama doesn't exist."

Yet others believe that Eastwood may know something about alternate universes that he isn't letting on. "He may have knowledge about the space-time continuum that he isn't sharing," said a spokesman for physicist Stephen Hawking, speaking on condition of anonymity. "He may have been talking to a real person sitting in that chair, only not in our dimension, maybe not even in our universe. He really needs to be debriefed by our national intelligence folks."

No matter what Eastwood meant by his speech, the endorsements are already rolling in. La-Z-Boy has approached him with a multi-million dollar offer to be their spokesman, according to reliable Hollywood sources who all chose to speak on condition of anonymity. Apparently part of the deal is to film a half-hour infomercial that will feature Eastwood in a La-Z-Boy showroom talking to the various recliners, couches, and ottomans. Other furniture stores, ranging from Wolf Furniture to Value City Furniture, from Haverty's to Unclaimed Freight, are also bidding for his services.