In the Eye of the Storm
America Inundated by 24/7 News Coverage of Hurricane Sandy

(New York, NY) — Before, during, and after. That's the news coverage provided by all major networks over the past week when dealing with Hurricane Sandy. Reporters were staked out at all major impact points, bringing home the devastation to America's living rooms. Lost on these reporters, and television executives, was that no one wanted to see it.

Just as America has grown fatigued by five months of negative political campaign ads, so has America grown weary of seeing utter devastation affecting tens of millions of Americans. And America has also grown weary of seeing reporters risking life and limb, standing out in hazardous conditions, while telling their audiences to not try it themselves.

"Truly, we've seen that Americans only turn in to see if one of these poor reporters get decapitated by debris on live television," said a reporter for People magazine, speaking on condition of anonymity. "They actually cheer for it because the reporter's misery would be over and, well, so would theirs."

In other developments:

• CBS newsman Scott Pelley asked New York Police Commissioner Ray Kelly to compare the effects of Hurricane Sandy to the situation on September 11, 2001. On camera, Kelly wisely informed Pelley that there was "no comparison" between what happened due to an act of terrorism and the ongoing situation caused by a natural disaster. Speaking on condition of anonymity, witnesses said that once the cameras were off, Kelly "beat the living shit" out of Pelley for asking such a ridiculous and insensitive question.
  
  
• Al Qaeda Incognito, a shadow Al Qaeda affiliate, claimed responsibility for Hurricane Sandy, saying that it was "payback" to America for its treatment of Muslims and Israel's treatment of Palestinians. After issuing the statement, a drone strike decapitated the Al Qaeda Incognito spokesman, according to military sources, speaking on condition of anonymity.
  
  
• Former Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said, though an anonymous spokesman, that "New Jersey is a city that is largely underwater."
  
  
• An informal poll of New Jersey residents still without power showed that 86% were happy to not have power so they didn't "have to listen to those damn political television ads," according to a pollster, speaking on condition of anonymity. Another informal poll showed that 100% of respondents thought that all pollsters should be shot.
  
  
• President Obama visited the Jersey shore on Wednesday to see first-hand the devastation wrought by Hurricane Sandy. He toured areas along with Governor Chris Christie (R-NJ), speaking with residents, some of whom lost everything in the disaster. Obama and Christie then held hands and sang a few rounds of "Kumbaya" before heading off to the local Krispy Kreme for a snack.
  
  
• Presidential candidate Mitt Romney (R-MA) sought to gain a political edge from Hurricane Sandy's devastation. "Mr. Romney knows what it takes to create 12 million homeless," said a Romney spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Take a Category 1 hurricane, mix it with a nor'easter, and slam it into the most densely populated area in the United States. That's what Mr. Romney knows about, and that's what Mr. Romney will do, annually, if he's elected."
  
  
• Real estate mogul Donald Trump, never one to miss an opportunity to take a shot at Obama, said that he's got another blockbuster that will turn the presidential race on its head. "This time, it involves finding Obama's birth certificate in the rubble of the Atlantic City boardwalk," said a Trump spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "And, unfortunately for Obama, it proves that he's not a real citizen. No matter that it's so waterlogged that it's illegible and might be a receipt from Jiffy Lube."