Public Document Room (PDR) to be Converted to Day Care Center
Restroom Slated for Conversion to Mother's Room

(Rockville, MD) — With a swift stroke of his pen, NRC Chairman Gregory Balok Jaczko signed the landmark No Child Left Irradiated Act (NCLI). While the new rules will have far-reaching implications for some NRC offices, most of the agency shouldn't notice – and probably doesn't care.

The main office affected will be the Technical Information Center Section (TICS). The bathroom in its Public Document Room (PDR) will be removed, depriving PDR staff of running water within 100 yards of their offices. "It's just as well," said an Office of Administration (ADM) employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We've heard stories for years about someone down there actually getting into fistfights with security guards, members of the public, and other visitors for simply trying to use the bathroom. If it's so dangerous to use, we have an obligation to remove it. Immediately."

And so, the end of the PDR's restroom is near. It will be turned into a Mother's Room, which makes perfect sense since the PDR is located in Mordor (One White Flint North) while the only functioning day care facility at NRC is located in a separate building: Mount Doom (Two White Flint North).

But NCLI doesn't stop there. The PDR will be turned into a day care center, and its staff will no longer help members of the public search for documents. Instead, TICS staff will help members of the public, and NRC staff, look after their children. Instead of sending 32+ E-mails regarding the ordering of toner, there will be 320+ E-mails sent regarding the ordering of diapers, baby lotion and talcum powder.

"We think it's a good fit," said another ADM employee, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The large research tables will be useful as baby-changing tables. And we know of the recent project in the PDR where multiple dumpsters were kept. Apparently some of the staff was forced to do demeaning and demoralizing manual labor for months on end. Well, if they could handle that project, their morale now gone and probably questioning the meaning of their sorry existence, changing diapers and filling up new dumpsters with soiled linens shouldn't be a problem for them."

There is no word if a third day care facility will be activated in Isengard (Three White Flint North) when construction is finished.