Who Gives a 'Beep' Anyway?
Malfunctioning Badge Reader of No Concern to Security

(Rockville, MD) — A badge reader that beeped uncontrollably for seven hours was ignored by the agency's security staff, according to an NRC official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The badge reader, located outside the Public Document Room (PDR), began malfunctioning at 8:00am on March 20. No one came to disconnect the dysfunctional device until 3:00pm.

The NRC security guards, referred to in the past as the "Security Gestapo" but now prefer Al Qaeda in White Flint, or AQWF, were apparently too busy with their normal routines – discussing basketball scores, cursing, physically assaulting NRC staff – to quickly remedy the situation.

"Quite frankly, we don't think of staff down at that end of the building as either necessary or equals," said a security official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "So we were in no hurry to fix the problem."

Due to the incessant beeping, several NRC staff had to be taken to local hospitals for PSTD symptoms. It is questionable whether they will make a full recovery.

"Again, quite frankly, we just don't care," continued the security official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Another consequence of the lax service was the theft of Federal government property. Without a locking door by the badge reader, NRC staff and members of the public were able to steal reams of paper, a photocopier, a laser printer, two desktop computers and a brand-new microwave installed in the nearby soon-to-be-opened Lactation Station.