Assad Blames Others for Syrian Woes

(Damascus, SYRIA) — Responding to recent slurs comparing him to Droopy Dog, a Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer cartoon dating back to the 1940s, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad on Monday gave a televised speech denouncing the comparison. He also addressed the recent mass protests rocking his country.

Speaking from Damascus University, Assad blamed the protests on "Zionists" and "saboteurs" and "vandalism," declaring that "there can be no stability without the systematic slaughter of innocents."

Assad spoke before a crowd of cheering "supporters," held at gunpoint and made up mostly of veterans from Saddam Hussein's Iraq rallies in 1990 and 1991, when they were used to chant "Down, down, Bush!" for the television cameras.

He said he wanted Syria to stabilize so the military could return to their main task: supporting Hezbollah, Hamas, and the destruction of Israel. He made no mention of either the military's slaughter of over 1,000 Syrian civilians, or the regime's support of sending hundreds of civilians to storm the border with the Golan Heights, forcing Israeli soldiers to fire into the crowd, killing and injuring dozens.

At least 1,250 people have been killed since protests began. Nearly 11,000 refugees have fled to Turkey to escape the violence, and an estimated 5,000 displaced people are in the mountains on the Syrian side of the border.

In a reference to thousands who have fled to or across the border to Turkey, Assad urged the "displaced" to return to their homes and said security forces, implementing Assad's campaign of cleansing those who are disloyal to the regime, would shoot them dead.

"What is happening today has nothing to do with reform, it has to do with vandalism," said a government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We see those with cans of spray paint. We see those writing on the seats of our subways. Our great leader is accused of killing citizens. What about the vandals who are killing our beautiful cities?"

Assad had not been seen in public since mid-May, and last week he refused to take phone calls from United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, a South Korean, saying only that he only takes calls from like-minded psychopathic leaders, a possible reference to North Korea's Kim Jong Il.

Refugees on both sides of the border watched the speech Monday and reacted with derision. In Turkey, crowds chanted against Assad, calling him a "liar" and calling for his ouster while also chanting "Death to Israel."

"That 'Death to Israel' stuff is just for good measure" said a refugee spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.