Metro Marks Anniversary of Red Line Crash
Touts "Progress" In Two Years since Accident

(Washington, DC) — Metro (the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, or WMATA) provided a plethora of balloons, candies, ice cream cones and cold drinks to usher in its marking of the deadliest incident in its 35-year history.

"We knew we could make it a somber occasion, but that's really not us," said a Metro spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "So we figured, why not have some fun with it?"

On June 22, 2009, two 1000-series trains, manufactured by Kawasaki Rail Car, Inc., collided, murdering eight civilians and one Metro employee. The 1000-series trains had been rated "uncrashworthy" by the National Transportation Safety Board but were not taken out of service; they currently make up 25% of Metro's fleet.

In addition, over the past two years riders have faced multiple fare increases, service cuts, additional train malfunctions and Tea Partyists, protesting the fare increases, greeting Metro passengers at train stations and bus shelters with jeers, racial slurs, and plenty of heckling and spitting.

Metro officials used today's event to tout the progress it has made since that dark day in its history.

"The system is absolutely different than even a year ago, said a Kevorkian spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We've adopted an attitude of we were having too many accidents. Now there are fewer. Our goal should be no accidents at all, but hey, we're not perfect, we're only human."

"We raised fared exponentially — more than once," said a Metro official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We hired Dr. Jack Kevorkian as out general manager. Most of our board members have come on board since the accident. And we have a new public relations message for our riders: You might not die on Metro. I call that progress."

"We're spending over $1 billion on improvements," continued the Metro official, speaking on condition of anonymity. And that's not our money, it's the riders' money. We'll keep asking for more, and we'll keep getting more. They're sheep. They're oblivious to what we're doing. Oh, wait, did I say that out loud? Inside voice! INSIDE VOICE!!!"