What's Shakin'?
Massive Earthquake Devastates East Coast

(Mineral, VA) — The East Coast continued to clean up from — and get over the shock of — the devastating 5.9 magnitude earthquake that hit here yesterday. But like the after-effects of September 11, 2001, now nearly 10 years ago, life may never be the same.

Ninety miles away in Washington, DC, the Washington Monument, the Washington National Cathedral and the Smithsonian's "Castle" were closed because of earthquake damage.

The Washington, DC subway, known as the Metro, returned to full service after yesterday's slowdown. Following the 1:51pm earthquake, the largest to hit this area in 67 years, Metro slowed all trains to 15mph, making the evening rush hour more nightmarish than usual.

"At least they can't really kill anyone when plowing into other trains at this speed," said a Metro commuter, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The shock immediately following the earthquake was compounded by a disruption in telephone and texting service, as hundreds of thousands of land line and cell phone users clogged the networks to report their minor inconveniences due to the disaster.

Republicans in Congress issued a brief statement saying that new taxes for reconstruction efforts were not an option. "Congress wanted to send a clear message that they won't be tricked into approving emergency funds for a situation that was clearly orchestrated by the Kenyan in the White House," said a congressional spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The sight of hundreds of thousands of civil servants — some openly weeping, some dazed and shell-shocked, but most standing around lazily on the streets of the nation's capital — provided fodder for several Republican presidential candidates.

"Once Michelle Bachmann is elected president, this won't be repeated, because all Federal employees will be downsized long before there's another earthquake," said a Bachmann spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"President Perry will arrange for another earthquake once he's in the White House," said a Perry spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "See, he refers to Federal employees as 'headcounts' and he's committed to headcount reduction. How do you do this? Stage an earthquake, force headcounts out to the streets, and watch as they're brained by masonry. It's decisive leadership and win-win."

Multiple enemies of the United States claimed responsibility for the mayhem. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that "the Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace, arranged for the earthquake placed upon The Great Satan to teach a lesson to those who support the Zionists, and we shall do so again, God-willing," according to an Iranian spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

And a spokesman for the New Jersey-based offshoot of Osama bin Laden's terrorist organization, Al Qaeda in Passaic, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the group had pulled off the earthquake as "a terrorist attack meant to scare and warn those supporting the Zionist Entity."