No Horsing Around during Third and Final Presidential Debate
Tumultuous Topics Range from Bayonets to Drones to Jobs to Peace

(Boca Raton, FL) — With the Early Bird dinner specials out of the way, and men's pants pulled up to their pectorals, residents of Boca Raton headed to the third – and final – 2012 presidential debate between President Barack Obama (D-IL) and Mitt Romney (R-MA). Holding tickets in their hands in the form of ballots featuring dimpled chads, they made their way to their seats and prepared for the show, held at Lynn University on October 22.

Bob Schieffer of CBS News moderated this debate, sitting at the same table as the two men hoping to win the November 6 election. While the topic of this debate was to be foreign policy, the candidates – especially Romney – kept forcing the discussion back to domestic issues, possibly because Romney has no foreign policy experience.

Education

Romney cited the need for better education in the Middle East, even expressing his "love" of teachers in the closing minutes of the debate. "The problem with Governor Romney's push for education is that he wants to upgrade education in the Middle East but not in the United States," said a National Education Association (NEA) spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "While he was governor of Massachusetts, the state's ranking fell in every category except bullying. That's where the 'first in education' statistic comes from."

Repeating his stance from an earlier debate, President Obama stated that he wanted to "keep tuition low" for today's students, apparently meaning that $25,000 per year at a university is considered "low" tuition by average, ordinary, everyday Americans, even those who can't find a job.

Tumult

Romney repeatedly decried the "rising tide of tumult" in the world, speaking as if he could curb the tumult when president. "Mr. Romney would definitely offer the vision for a less-tumultuous world," said a Romney spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "There's entirely too much tumult, and we need to work with our allies and partners to rid the world of the tumult. And our allies and enemies understand that they're either with us or against us on the issue of tumult."

Health Care

Romney stated that he would get rid of the new health care law – "Obamacare" – "on day one" of his term as president. The 30 million Americans that stand to lose their health care coverage on January 20, 2013, immediately inundated hospitals, clinics and doctors' offices, seeking treatment before the deadline.

Obama explained that the new health care law would be good for America and good for average, ordinary, everyday Americans, claiming that health care costs would be held in check. "Health insurance and co-pays have gone up 100% in the past four years," said a spokesman for the American Medical Association (AMA), speaking on condition of anonymity. "And we don't see that changing any time soon."

Iran

Obama cited the crippling sanctions against Iran, but many Republicans felt he hadn't gone far enough. "He's had four years, the Iranians are still producing uranium, the Iranians are still a danger and a menace," said a GOP spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Romney, too, cited "crippling sanctions" put in place against Iran due to its uranium enrichment program. He said he would have put them in place earlier and referred to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as a "genocidal whack-job" that needed indicting. Unfortunately, Romney slipped back to his familiar territory – ridding the world of Obamacare – and may have slipped when referring to Iran's crippling sanctions as "sanctions on cripples" when discussing what he would do to replace Obamacare. This comment drew immediate rebukes from those who believe that this was another Freudian slip on Romney's part regarding his not caring for the poor in this country. "We're right back to that '47%' comment," said an AMA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Drones

Schieffer asked Romney about the use of drones in battling Islamic Fundamentalists. Romney answered that "it's widely reported that drones are being used in drone strikes" which was immediately followed by an audible gasp from the audience and the National Security Agency (NSA) checking to see if state secrets had been released. "I never knew that we used drones in drone strikes," said an audience member after the debate, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Who'd have thought?"

Navy

Perhaps the most "famous" comment of the night – aside from Schieffer referring to Osama bin Laden as "Obama bin Laden" – was when Obama criticized Romney – in a condescending manner – on his accusations of Obama's weakening and downsizing of the Navy.

"You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916, said Obama. "Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets, because the nature of our military's changed. We have these things called aircraft carriers, where planes land on them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines."

"At that point, you could tell the governor wanted to ram a depth charge down Obama's throat," said a political analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Jobs

Obama again made his point of "nation-building here at home" by putting veterans – and the rest of the 14 million unemployed Americans – back to work by building roads, bridges and schools. Schieffer neglected to ask how unemployed doctors, lawyers, office workers, and other "white collar" workers would go about picking up jackhammers and rebuilding the country's infrastructure.

Romney offered his standard plan on jobs. "I know what it takes to create 12 million new jobs and rising take-home pay," he said, though once again he gave no explanation on how he would create 12 million new jobs and increase take-home pay.

Peace

Romney spoke about peace, saying that "we want a peaceful planet" while refusing to acknowledge the random workplace, university and movie theater shootings in this country that seem to occur on a weekly basis, all thanks to the efforts by the National Rifle Association (NRA). "Romney's speaking of 'human dignity' after mentioning his 'binders full of women' and supporting right-wing right-to-lifers such as [Representative and Senate candidate Todd Akin (R-MO)] Akin is just too much," said a spokesman for the National Organization for Women (NOW), speaking on condition of anonymity.

"President Obama would simply like to have some peace and quiet about the birth certificate nonsense," said an Obama spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity.