Amidst an Imploding Campaign, Romney Takes Decisive Action
Hopes for a Turnaround Pinned on New Spokesman

(Washington, DC) — In admitting himself that his remarks were "not elegantly stated" during a secretly-taped video from a fundraiser earlier this year, presidential candidate Mitt Romney (R-MA) has been forced into a mode of damage control perhaps never seen in a presidential race, just seven weeks before Election Day. Unconfirmed reports early in the day stated that a new spokesman had been hired and would be pressed into service immediately, hopefully to right the sinking ship.

Romney started out by complaining that "47% of Americans pay no income tax" and, in saying that his "job is … not to worry about those people," he continued by saying that they would never "take personal responsibility and care for their lives." Romney then hit his stride by labeling the 47% as people "who are dependent upon government" and "victims" and "believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing," among other things.

In alienating half of the American electorate and many within his own party, Romney seems to have forgotten that these 47% pay other Federal taxes such as Social Security and Medicare payroll deductions and gas levies, as well as a variety of state and local sales and property taxes. In addition, they don't typically throw their dogs on top of their station wagons and drive 12 hours.

Peggy Noonan led the anti-Romney charge with an opinion piece in The Wall Street Journal calling Romney's campaign "incompetent" and saying that "an intervention is in order." And David Brooks, referring to Romney as "Gilligan's Island's" Thurston Howell III, wrote in the New York Times that Romney is "running a depressingly inept presidential campaign."

Romney campaign sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the new spokesman, whose title is "Romney Information Minister," is none other than Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister.

Sahaf, who served under Saddam Hussein during the last days of his rule, gained international fame – and the nickname "Comical Ali" – for making outrageous statements at his press conferences during the 2003 war in Iraq. In March 2003, while denouncing reports of invaders laying siege to Baghdad, and insisting that Iraqi forces were beating back American attacks, his information ministry, bombed by allied air strikes, burned unchecked behind him.

After President George W. Bush announced "Mission Accomplished" in Iraq in May 2003, a "deck of cards" was touted by allied forces denoting Iraq's most wanted; Sahaf was the Joker. Apprehended by allied troops in mid-2003, he was debriefed by security officials. With no dictator needing a spokesman, Sahaf left Iraq and found work as a spokesman for the National Library of Medicine (NLM) in Bethesda, MD. In early 2006, Sahaf, was promoted to a post at Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) headquarters in Washington, DC.

Sahaf went right to work at his introductory press conference.

"I triple guarantee you, there is no transfer from DHHS to the Romney campaign, no, never!"

A staffer whispering into Sahaf's ear got him to change the topic.

"These non-payers of Federal income tax have no morals", claimed Sahaf. "They have no shame about mooching! I can say that they have started to throw themselves off food stamps. We will encourage them to throw themselves off food stamps quickly."

Regarding the onslaught by critics of Romney, Sahaf predicted that "our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they stop discussing this '47%' nonsense. Obama supporters have no shame about spreading these lies and falsehoods. I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that whoever says Romney will lose will have their stomachs roasted in Hell!"