Iran to Disconnect from the Internet
Plans High-Speed Intranet for Country

(Tehran, Iran) — The Iranian government has announced its intention to build an Intranet to serve the entire country, potentially cutting off access to the Internet for large swaths of its population.

Saying that the move is necessary for security, government officials hope to have the system, which will be known as the "Fatwanet," up and running sometime this month. Iran's opponents say that the loss of the Internet is simply one more way the Iranian dictatorship is flexing its muscle.

The move also means that Iran will be pulling out of the Internet Non-Proliferation Treaty (INPT). The treaty's purpose is to promote "One Internet" for the planet.

"We must protect ourselves from the flagrant cyberattacks coming from the Great Satan and the Zionist Entity," said a spokesman for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking on condition of anonymity, referring the United States and Israel. "And President Ahmadinejad has said it's our right to build our own Intranet, and we will not give in on this issue, not one iota."

Civil libertarians were immediately up in arms over the possibility of cutting off Internet access to a country of over 78 million people. But many have pointed out that, with the current Iranian infrastructure, access is already limited.

Iranian access to the Internet is done largely through dial-up connections, though one Iranian government member has said that Comcast has approached them with an offer to provide the country with cable access to the World Wide Web.

According to a Comcast spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, Violet Ripken, the 74-year-old mother of Hall of Famer and Comcast sell-out Cal Ripken, Jr., is being considered as liaison between Comcast and the Iranian government. Ms. Ripken was kidnapped at gunpoint from her Aberdeen, MD, home and returned unharmed on July 24.

"Comcast's dealing with the Iranian government would violate current United Nations sanctions against Iran," said a United Nations spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "And besides, if the Iranians really think that Comcast is more reliable than dial-up access, they really have gone off the deep end."

Iran is currently weathering crippling international sanctions as it continues to enrich uranium. The United States, Israel, and Western allies believe Iran is trying to develop nuclear weapons; Tehran says its nuclear program is for peaceful purposes.

"Comcast cannot be allowed to wire Iran," said an Israeli spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "That would be a red line that we would not allow Iran to cross."

But others disagree with these dire assessments.

"I don't think there's much to fear," said an American counterintelligence specialist, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Their Intranet will probably closely mirror the various Intranets set up in this country at Federal agencies. In other words, it will be mostly useless."