Renovation of Entrance to Mordor Complete
Employees Experience the "Turnstiles of Terror" for the First Time

(Rockville, MD) — The main lobby at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission's One White Flint North (OWFN) reopened today after more than a year of extensive renovations. OWFN, also known as Mordor, is the taller of the two existing NRC HQ buildings. Isengard, currently under construction, will be taller than Two White Flint North (TWFN), also known as Mount Doom.

The temporary entrance which provided access to Marinelli Road has since been closed. The corridor leading to Marinelli Road will most likely be remembered as home of The Cursist, one of the NRC security guards who screamed a particular four-letter curse word multiple times during the renovation process. The Cursist is still employed today.

The renovation process will also be remembered for the collapse of the temporary Mural Wall, a large multi-paned piece of sheet rock that blocked off the construction from NRC employees and visitors. During a severe storm in 2010, wind gusts knocked the wall down. The response by NRC management was to check on the health of contract employees only, including The Cursist, forsaking the health of their own employees who were located in the vicinity.

The Mural Wall itself will be remembered for featuring several depictions of happy security guards assisting employees and visitors in the future. One of the agency's security guards, accused of physically assaulting an NRC employee multiple times since 2009, was featured as a "model" security guard on the wall.

The new lobby features a series of turnstiles, making it look more like a Metro station than a Federal building. The "Turnstiles of Terror" will be used to downsize the agency.

"If your badge doesn't work, that means you've been retired," said an NRC spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Or reduced from the workforce. It's a clever idea that keeps any confrontation away from people who aren't carrying firearms."