Romney Leads Obama in Letter-Number Contest

(Washington, DC) — Jenny "The Morlock" Rubin, "journalist" for The Washington Post, noticed today that Mitt Romney (R-MA) is leading President Barack Obama (D-IL) in the letter-number contest between their names.

"Jenny got hold of a chart that converts 'A' to one, 'B' to two, and so forth," said a Rubin spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity. "And lo and behold, Romney's beating Obama three to one! If you add up 'ROMNEY' you get 90, but if you add up 'OBAMA' all you get is 32. She was hysterical, running around screaming, 'We're winning! We're winning!' She reminded me of Charlie Sheen ... without the anti-Semitism."

The Obama campaign didn't have much to say about Rubin's observation, but a spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, did say, "If you add up 'SEAMUS ON THE ROOF OF YOUR CAR' as we did, you get animal cruelty."