Ryan's Soap
Vice Presidential Candidate Uses Soup Kitchen to Score Political Points

(Youngstown, OH) — Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan (R-WI), his wife, Janna, and their three young children visited an Ohio soup kitchen on October 13 after campaigning at Youngstown State University. Upon his arrival, he and his aides learned that the food had already been served, the patrons had left, and everything had been cleaned for the next meal.

Not a problem for Paul Ryan.

The Ryan family's 15-minute visit consisted of donning white aprons and cleaning up from the meal. Not minding that the dishes had already been bussed and cleaned, Ryan and company took to moving already-stacked items around and washing clean pots in the dining hall's sink. In order to show Ryan's "caring" about the 47% of Americans that presidential candidate Mitt Romney (R-MA) recently said he didn't care about, the cameras snapped photos while Ryan's staff made a video of the event.

Brian J. Antal, president of the charity which runs the soup kitchen was not pleased.

"We're a faith-based organization; we are apolitical because the majority of our funding is from private donations," Antal said. "They showed up there, and they did not have permission. The photo-op they did wasn't even accurate. He did nothing. He just came in here to get his picture taken at the dining hall.

"I can't afford to lose funding from … private individuals," he continued. "If this was the Democrats, I'd have the same exact problem. Had they asked for permission, it wouldn't have been granted … but I certainly wouldn't have let him wash clean pans, and then take a picture."

The anger from the soup kitchen's staff was also directed at the horrible job the Ryans did while visiting.

"They dropped perfectly clean glasses," said a volunteer, speaking on condition of anonymity, "and just left the shattered glass on the floor. When I offered Mrs. Ryan a dustpan, she looked at it as if she'd never seen one before."

"The kids were running through the [dining] hall, turning over chairs and hiding under tables," said another volunteer, speaking on condition of anonymity. They pulled down pictures, the pulled down decorations, and they were chanting 'poor people hate having jobs' at the top of their lungs."

"Don't get me started about Ryan," said a third volunteer, speaking on condition of anonymity. "He comes over to the sink, grabs this huge, clean pot, and throws it into the sink. Then, apparently not knowing that the bottle with the blue liquid was dish soap, he just started spitting on the pot, inside and out, then rinsing it. And then he used tissues he pulled from his pockets to dry the pot. We had to throw the thing out. How can you sterilize something like that?"

Apparently, at least one of the Ryan children wasn't too happy with the excursion, either.

"Are you going to make us sweep the [explicative] chimney when we get home?" asked one of Ryan's children, quoted on condition of anonymity.