Michael Vick: Dog Killer, Dog Electrocutor, Dog Drowner, Dog Owner
Felon and Eagles QB Gets a Dog, Public Gets Sick

(Philadelphia, PA) — Michael Vick, Pro Bowl quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, owns a dog. If he hadn't cruelly tortured his previous dogs to death, then served jail time for his crimes, this wouldn't be news.

But he did.

The Atlanta Falcons quarterback served 18 months in federal prison on dogfighting charges. Additionally, dogs that did not perform up to his specifications were executed, either by drowning or electrocution. When initially questioned about his role in the dogfighting operation on his property, he said he knew nothing about it.

Once released from prison, and released by the Falcons, he signed with Philadelphia and was awarded a lucrative multimillion dollar contract. And he was not allowed to own any dogs until the end of his probation period.

That probation period has ended.

Vick announced on October 11 that his family now owns a dog.

"I understand the strong emotions by some people about our family's decision to care for a pet," Vick said in a statement. "As a father, it is important to make sure my children develop a healthy relationship with animals. I want to ensure that my children establish a loving bond and treat all of God's creatures with kindness and respect. Our pet is well cared for and loved as a member of our family."

"And, when he misbehaves, I will not drown him," he continued in an unreleased excerpt of his statement, according to anonymous sources. "I will not electrocute him. I may throw him down the stairs occasionally, but that's it. I promise."

Public reaction was mixed, but mostly was filled with outrage.

"He wants to treat God's creatures with respect? That's great. What about the dogs he slaughtered?" asked a Philadelphian, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"What if he decides to love his dog with a side order of mashed potatoes?" asked another bystander, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"He deserves to have his testicles wired to a car battery," stated another resident from the City of Brotherly Love, speaking on condition of anonymity.

"I'm not a psychopath. I'm not crazy. I'm a human being," Vick said in an earlier interview.

"Wrong!" said a mental health professional and member of the Humane Society, speaking on condition of anonymity. "He tortured those dogs to death, so he is a psychopath. He didn't think anything bad about doing it, so he is crazy. He lied about the whole thing, so he's a pathological liar. And someone who would do that to another living creature isn't human. That's the sort of thing you'd expect from Islamic Fundamentalists, not God-fearing Christians."