Lactation Station to Open April 2
Amenities Abound While Nearby Staff Suffer

(Rockville, MD) — The newly completed Lactation Station located in Mordor (aka One White Flint North) will open on April 2, 2012. The Lactation Station will provide all the amenities necessary for a mother's use in a comfortable, peaceful environment while nearby staff suffer and toil in subhuman conditions.

The Lactation Station was made possible by ripping out the only restroom in the vicinity of Mordor 1F21, thus satisfying the needs of employees who normally wouldn't be caught dead in that part of the building, while making nearby staff cross their legs throughout the workday.

"We looked around the agency and found a location where the fewest amount of staff are completely demoralized," said an NRC official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We expect the demoralized staff to offer 100% support to those who need lactation or day care assistance."

The Lactation Station's amenities, compared to the "amenities" available to nearby staff, are listed below:

The day care provision of the No Child Left Irradiated Act (NCLI) will also be activated on April 2. In short, the Public Document Room (PDR) will henceforth be known as the Lactation Station / Public Document Room (LS/PDR) and will be turned into a day care center. Its staff will no longer help members of the public search for documents. Instead, they will help members of the public, and NRC staff, look after their children and burp their babies.

The NRC chapter of the Lactating Fathers of America (NRC-LFA) is still protesting the creation of the Lactation Station, saying that it restricts use only to lactating mothers, effectively discriminating against their needs. The protests aren't expected to delay the opening of the Lactation Station.

Publication of "Procedures for Using and Renovating NRC Restrooms" (NUREG-BR-35874) has been delayed, but should be available before the end of 2012.

Access to the Lactation Station is restricted to registered participants in the Nursing Mothers Program. Those who enter the room who are not participants in the Nursing Mothers Program will be handed over to NRC's security guards, now known as Al Qaeda in White Flint (AQWF).

As of this article's publication, there have been 57 E-mails sent out regarding the Lactation Station. To help Federal agencies and other interested parties track Lactation Station developments, the Sick Bird Publishing Company has created a Widget for Webmasters. Simply add the following code to the Web page(s) of your choice, and the Widget displayed to the right will appear on your Web site — and will be updated as the situation warrants:

<iframe src="http://sickbird.org/widgets/widget_lactation_station.html" width="182" height="235" frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" title="Lactation Station Widget"></iframe>

In addition, FLATLINE₂₃₈ has devoted an inordinate amount of press related to the Lactation Station:

• Bathroom Remodeling Leaves Some Running Hot and Cold. FLATLINE₂₃₈ 2011 May-Jun;13(5-6):e1.
• Saying "Buh-Bye" to the Executive Washroom Key: Lock on PDR Restroom Door Replaced with Keyless Entry. FLATLINE₂₃₈ 2011 Sep-Oct;13(9-10):e1.
• Public Document Room (PDR) to be Converted to Day Care Center: Restroom Slated for Conversion to Mother's Room. FLATLINE₂₃₈ 2011 Sep-Oct;13(9-10):e2.
• Fathers Fuss and Fight over Mother's Room Plans. FLATLINE₂₃₈ 2011 Sep-Oct;13(9-10):e3.
• Workers Plunge Into Conversion of Restroom to Lactation Station. FLATLINE₂₃₈ 2012 Jan-Feb;14(1-2):e1.
• Lactation Station to Open April 2: Amenities Abound While Nearby Staff Suffer. FLATLINE₂₃₈ 2012 Mar-Apr;14(3-4):e6.